Wednesday, April 1, 2015

My worries in a rant. Sorry

As my time at my temp position winds down (I have 4.5 weeks left), I've been doing a lot of thinking, and not a lot of positives have been coming to me sadly.

To my closest friends, I truly am a worrier: worried about eating right, worried about staying in shape (which is proving to be quite difficult for me apparently), worried about finances, worried about our housing situation, and the list could go on and on. With a little one on the way and due to arrive in September (or whenever they decide to grace my husband and I with their presence), the negative just seem to be pouring out of me, no matter how hard I try to stay optimistic. My out-of-control hormones probably aren't helping me any, but I can't seem to control how I feel.

Surprisingly, I'm not all that worried about the nursery, at least for the moment. When we do get the furniture, hand-me-downs from family members, we will be throwing out the mattress that's currently in our second bedroom. We've had it for almost 7 years and it really just has reached the end of it's life. All of my hubby's "man cave" items will be staying on the wall, mainly because we don't have space to store them or relocate them to another part of our apartment. I plan on reorganizing the closet in that room because whoever lived there previous to us did the absolute worst job in adding extra shelves, and they're not level and they're driving me nuts. Dad, you taught me well in doing handy work in the house properly. I've even been "contracted" my by sister-in-law to hang things in her apartment because I'm just that awesome at it. I also know that our family won't be staying in our current place come October so I'm just not going to bother with decorating the nursery. I just don't see a point when our babe will be 6 weeks at the oldest when we move.

What worries me the most is my job status. Yes, I have a part time position at a major retail store, but that's not where I want to stay. I find myself becoming more and more unhappy with upper level management: the schedule is only displayed for a week at a time, and the following week's schedule isn't posted till 2-3 days before it starts. Meaning that you can't plan ahead. My previous store always posted the schedule for 2-3 weeks ahead, they have been known to change my schedule without my permission and fail to call me to make sure I can work the changes (in my defense, I work 1 day a week and don't stop in except to work), schedule me on days that I'm unavailable (for which I gave them an availability form with specific dates on when it would end, but that apparently means nothing to them), and give me a really hard time for only being available one day a week. I don't want to stay there, especially since the cost of living is nearly twice as much as where I previously lived and my wages don't reflect the cost to live where I am, despite asking for a raise as I've worked for the company for over 18 months (which didn't happen), but I can't afford to leave either. The only good thing for me staying there is that I get FMLA, but only the part where my job is guaranteed after 12 weeks of leave. As far as other prospects, the likelihood of me being hired 18 weeks pregnant is slim. Yes, it's against the law to discriminate, but companies can come up with other reasons why they wouldn't hire me and at least in New Jersey, that employer has to give a reason why they aren't hiring you. That's the law here. I didn't know that a few months ago when I wasn't given a reason for why I wasn't hired at a fitness facility.

I'm also worried about when I go on maternity leave. Will I be able to handle being on my own with a 15 month old pup? Can we afford me not to work for 12 weeks? I know the answer is yes and we'll make it work, but it still worries me nonetheless. And I'm terrified of completely losing it. I have this crazy idea in my head that when I've reached my limit, I'm going to pack the kid up, drive to my husband's job, and leave them with him. I know I can't do that, but I feel like I will have many days like that where I just can't handle everything. I have a very hard time dealing with things that are out of my control and a small human being is going to be a struggle for me. I'm sure I'll figure it out, but that's what I'm currently feeling.

I wish I could write something happier, but happy is not what I'm feeling. I'm hormonal, stressed, and really wanting a beer. I will get through this, but right now, this moment, I don't feel like I will.

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